Forgive?

Forgave, forgivable, forgivably, forgive, forgiven, forgiveness, forgivenesses, forgiver, forgives, forgiving, forgivingly, forgivingness.

These words appear in numerous manuscripts, often related to some kind of religion or other. Yet I'm frantically looking up its definition, not for any religious connection, but to see if my definition is indeed fact or something I convinced myself about.

Recently myself and a very close friend of mine became very deep into a conversation we have on several occasions, except this time I think I saw her pain even more than any other time we had conversed in this way.
I have mentioned my friend before, a couple of years ago she discovered her husband had had an affair with a friend of theirs. Although this is a couple of years ago, it has affected her deeply.

You couldn't just think this sh-t happens get over it, even worse your still together move on..........................

No, no, that would never do, you can still see the hurt & pain in her eyes, and try as I might to make her laugh, I know it has only worked for the moment and her sadness is just sitting in the wings waiting to move in when the clown (me) gets off the stage........
Mind you, I did get quite annoyed with her the other week. I had phoned her for a chat, and she sounded so down on the phone. I asked her what was wrong, she told me "nothing" but her voice told me something else, she sounded close to tears. I think she realised I wouldn't give up and was thinking maybe her husband had been up to his old tricks, so she told me her plight.

Her and her husband are going away at the end of this month to Thailand for a two week, child -free holiday (its her husbands 50th birthday). She had been looking through her wardrobe and didn't know what to pack (unlike my son who took an empty suitcase and toothbrush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
"Mmmmmm! and this has brought you to tears" I said with a scolding tone in my voice. Also, just to make sure she knew how bloody ridiculous I thought she was being, I reminded her of how long it had been since I'd been able to go on holiday............. "I know, I know" she snapped back "maybe it isn't that at all. Maybe I just don't want to be with Dave for two weeks on my own".......

It was from this point that our conversation and the word 'forgiveness' started and we became deep in conversation.

I suppose in a fumbling sort of way I told her she needed to forgive them and move on as it was destroying her.
"But real forgiveness means to forget and I can never do that" she almost sobbed, justifying her sadness.
To be honest, although I have in the past had to carry out the act of forgiveness before it captured me in its dark net, I couldn't find the words to explain how I'd come about it.

Thus my search on the net to find an explanation for the word, but many links brought me back to a religious basis, which wasn't what I wanted.

I found a few quotes that, yes, I could relate to, and that I knew she would bring up, and indeed did when I tried to explain my understanding of this complicated word.

To be sincere in our forgiveness of others we should not even remember the incident. Sometimes forgiveness can be conditional, we shall tell somebody we have forgiven them, but maybe later we will bring it up to use it against them. This is not real forgiveness. Only when we do not think about the experience have we really forgiven others.

If I'd have even tried to spout off some of the self-stroking statements I had discovered, I fear our friendship would have ended there and then, and why should I recite stuff I didn't even believe.

Forgiveness makes us appreciate the good qualities of others.
However through forgiveness we learn to appreciate the good qualities of others. Through forgiveness we become aware of our extended reality. If someone does something wrong a good attitude to take is. “I could quite easily have done that myself”. Even if we wouldn’t have done this action, it makes us more humble.

What utter B-ll--ks, what about this one;

Forgive, You will have happiness. Forget, You will have satisfaction. Forgive and forget, You will have everlasting peace within and without.

Maybe I'm not such the nice guy that I thought I was.............

Forgiveness. It's such a hard thing to do, but I found it can be so liberating to the soul. What makes it difficult for most of us to do is the way we define it. We think of forgiveness as meaning that we should say all is forgotten and things will go back to what they were. This Biblical definition of forgiveness is very hard for most of us to swallow.
How can you forget the unforgettable? How can you forgive the unforgivable?

To enjoy the benefits of forgiveness, however, we needn't go that far. All that's really required is that we make the decision to move forward, to let go of the old hurts. We don't have to condone what's been done. What's wrong is still wrong. We don't have to invite the person back into our lives or even be friendly with them.
What we do is allow ourselves to release all the negative emotions associated with that person. As long as we hold onto the pain, we are choosing to allow that person's past actions to continue to hurt us. We can also choose to stop letting them hurt us.
That's my definition of forgiveness that's more do-able for those of us who are less than saintly.

Here's how I managed in the past to let go of pain and begin to regain my life after being hurt by others:

I made a list of those who have hurt me and how. Then I went to a quiet place where I could be alone and thought of each of these painful situations. I thought of them in detail, allowed myself to feel the hurt. Then I did place myself in the other person's shoes. I thought about what motivated them to behave the way they did? Were they abused themselves? Do they suffer from a mental illness? What fears and insecurities motivated their behaviour?
Now, I think of how they are stealing my personal power. Did this make me angry? Did I want that to stop? Yes! Then, for each person on my list, I say the words out aloud as if I was speaking directly to them.

"I now understand why you behaved the way you did and I am sorry that you are so filled with pain that feel you must inflict it on others in order to regain your own power. I refuse, however, to let you hurt me anymore. I am choosing to let go of the pain you have caused me, for my own sake. I realise that letting go of this pain does not minimise or condone your bad behaviour. It does, however, validate my own worth as a person and my right to finally be free of your abuse.

I am choosing to take back my personal power so that I may heal. I now release all the hurtful emotions I feel regarding your behavior. I am now free to heal and move on"..........

Now you may think me crazy, but I don't really care, it worked for me. My biggest problem is trying to see if I can pass this on to my friend in the hopes she doesn't think me loco (shes known me too long), and gives it a go. She's nothing to lose and may have everything gain......

SIXTH SENSE or WHAT???????

Recently a blogging friend of mine "Willow", published a post about the ghosts that live in her beautiful Manor home. I mentioned in my comment to her about the chap who smokes his pipe here in my home and the French nun who has been with me since a child. She asked me to tell her more, so Halloween looming here goes.....

I very seldom mention to folks my dreams and weird foresight, for fear of them thinking I am indeed weird/strange/bonkers/de-ranged or even a witch......... Yet ever since a child I have seen things that I'd rather not. This is not a blessing and I find it all rather disturbing. So I push it well into the back of my mind, hoping it will vanish, unfortunately some of the things must be so strong they poke through to the surface............

One small example, when I was very young in the mid 70s, the newspapers and media covered the the story of a young heiress Lesley Whittle aged 17yrs from Shropshire, who had been kidnapped and a ransom for £50,ooo demanded for her release. This story was a dream I had been having but couldn't relate why I constantly saw her in a dark hole with a bath or a pool at the bottom of this hole. I remember one day that it was my mums birthday 7th March, I couldn't understand why I felt so sad and not able to join in the family celebrations.

The news came on TV and Leslie had been found dead, hanging from a wire down a drain in BATHPOOL Park Shropshire...... I now understood my sadness, but not the grief I felt for someone I'd never met. Later I had three nightmares in one week that the man the police where searching for, that they thought responsible for Lesleys murder ( the media had nick-named him The Black-Panther) was close by and coming to get me.

At first my family made light of it "come on Queenie, we couldn't muster 5,000 pennies let alone pounds what would he want with you. Anyway Shropshire is a million miles from here, your reading too many papers and getting upset about it all."

A few days later two local police-officers on duty that evening spotted a man acting suspiciously outside the post office five doors away from my home. When they approached him for questioning he pulled out a sawn-off shotgun...........

To sum the whole story up, they eventually arrested the man who was named as Donald Neilson/Black Panther, who was charged with the murder of three post-masters and Lesley Whittle . He had been staying at a Bed & Breakfast further up the road where the post office/my home was situated....

So my friends that was one occasion that I ask you to draw your own conclusions.

Now my French Nun, I say she's French, I have no idea...... it is because of her headgear I assumed she's French. Its like a big white cowl that points out to the sides, this is the only picture I could find to show you the sort of thing I mean.

From being very young she has paid me the occasional visits, this is usually at times in my life when I have felt lonely/frightened/unsure of the things going of around me.

The first time I ever mentioned her to anyone was when mum and dad were getting a divorce, I was staying with my nan (good old reliable nan). It was early in the morning and I was laying in bed waiting for grandad to bring me my cuppa tea (those were the days), and there she was, stood at the end of my bed. Her smile is what I remember after taking in her head wear. She had something in her hands but I didn't have chance to work out what it was before she faded out of sight. Not realising I maybe declaring myself one crazy dude, I told my nan "darling it would have been the clouds and sunshine from the window playing tricks with your eyes" she said to justify my madness.....
So mad or not I kept her visits a secret, she never says anything, only ever comes and smiles at me then disappears, I have never felt any fear only that she leaves me feeling calm and somehow better......

I remained silent about our rendezvous's until my car accident 30yrs ago. I had come out of intensive-care and moved into a side ward. She called that evening and stayed longer than her usual/unusual visits. The next day mum came on her own to see me, I told her that my nun had been to see me, so not to worry I knew I was going to be OK.

Mum then told me something she asked me not to repeat (sorry mum).

When mum was giving birth to me she had a real difficult time (life pattern started), she was at home and the midwife decided she needed to go into hospital. Whilst the nurse was out of the bedroom making arrangements for transport, guess who mum saw?????????

I was delivered at home a short time after mums experience, my nun has never visited mum again . So there you have it, oh yes my guy with the pipe. Very quickly then.......

When we first moved into our home there was a sun-lounge at the rear of the property, we turned this into a utility room. On several occasions when I was in there the strong smell of pipe smoke would be in the air. "Math have you taken to smoking a pipe", "what are you on about" he snapped back. I dragged him into the utility "sniff" I demanded. "Yes, yes I see what you mean" he agreed. For several years we just became used to the odour, it wasn't there all the time, just two or three times aweek.

Several years later our neighbour brought around the daughter and her husband of the man who built and first lived in the home, she wondered if we would mind her taking a look around the place she had grown up in.

As we showed her around she started to laugh when we reached the utility-room. "Dad wouldn't recognise this place it was his hide-away" she said. Inquisitive I prodded for more, it would seem her dad loved the odd puff on his pipe, much to the disgust of his wife, who wouldn't allow him to smoke it in the home. So on the occasions the weather was too foul to go outside or his wife was away from home this is where he would participate in his secret little pleasure..................

Come on tell me, have you any experiences you dare admit to, I'm dying to hear (no pun intended)........